hit the ground running

I am afraid, every moment of every day.

Sounds extreme, right? Maybe I’m a little paranoid? You would be too if you were me.
I’m far from paranoid; as my mother regularly tells me, I’m not cautious enough.

Fear for me is nothing out of the ordinary, far from it, it’s a sign that the world continues to function as I know it. As a woman, fear is in my best interest. My fear keeps me safe, stops me risking my life by undertaking such high-risk activities as walking home late at night, or buying a drink at a bar, or god forbid, speaking to someone.
Last week when I was walking home after work, a car drove past me and then turned around and drove back again. In all likelihood, the driver had turned down the wrong street, or had just needed somewhere to turn around, but in the…

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College and Pain.

I will be starting my last semester of college in less than two weeks. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I am freaking out, not just by the academic work but because I will be closing a chapter I thoroughly enjoyed  and I dont know whether the next chapter of my life will be equally nice.
I started college when I was 16, a good thing really because with the many uncertainities of life finishing school early is good. A bad thing too, because Uni/College is (partial) freedom and to a 16 year old it is pretty disastrous. Plus the upkeep allowance given to me by govt on top of the pocket money from home wasn’t such a healthy recipe. I remember spending the two weeks of orientation drinking daily with my friends. I however made pretty good choices in my first year. Funny thing, as the years go by my most regretable moments and decisions (or powerful lessons, depending on how you look at it) were made in third year. 

I read some article about things to do in college, one of the things was to get your heart broken (or go through a great loss), the reason being that heartbreak is a good teacher and guides you in your choices. After a heartbreak you know what you don’t want. (Somehow what you really want is never such a clear cut thing). Anyhu, I’ve been suffered such  great loss twice in my stay at this institution of higher learning. I know the difference between bruised egos and heartbreak. My first heart break (i am not keeping a record I swear) there was a lot of drinking and smoking and more smoking to just get through. I was completely shocked and betrayed I did everything to numb the pain. My most recent heartbreak, I cried. I cried because pain deserves to be felt. I literally went (while watching an episode of Greys Anatomy, the one where April and Jackson give birth to their baby) when it finally hit me what was really going on. According to the scripts six degrees of separation I was on the third degree. My world was literally splitting down the middle. Hearts break and you feel them. Yes the heart is the thing that pumps blood but the heart that breaks is so intertwined with the soul that when it is shattered your soul is never the same. He broke me, more than I admit to people. And the worst thing is I know he like(s)d  me and probably love(s)d me. But its just not enough for him to want to be with me. I know this sounds so scientific but science says it takes seven years for your body to replace all cells in it, so in about six years and some months from now he will not know me.
Atleast this time I didn’t make any rush decisions like the last time.

See how loss helps you deal with future loss.