Dark Phrases

This is one of my favourite poems by Ntozake Shange from For Colored Girls Who have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf.

Dark phrases of womanhood
of never havin been a girl
half-notes scattered
without rhythm/no tune
distraught laughter fallin
over a black girl’s shoulder
it’s funny/it’s hysterical
the melody-less-ness of her dance
don’t tell nobody don’t tell a soul
she’s dancin on beer cans & shingles
this must be the spook house
another song with no singers
lyrics/no voices
& interrupted solos
unseen performances
are we ghouls?
children of horror?
the joke?
don’t tell nobody don’t tell a soul
are we animals? have we gone crazy?
i can’t hear anythin
but maddening screams
& the soft strains of death
& you promised me
you promised me…
somebody/anybody
sing a black girl’s song
bring her out
to know herself
to know you
but sing her rhythms
carin/struggle/hard times
sing her song of life
she’s been dead so long
closed in silence so long
she doesn’t know the sound
of her own voice
her infinite beauty
she’s half-notes scattered
without rhythm/no tune
sing her sighs
sing the song of her possibilities
sing a righteous gospel
let her be born
let her be born
& handled warmly.

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You

I was taking a walk around midnight and I wished I was walking next to you. The stinging wind blowing in my face wouldn’t be less freezing but you would be talking and I would be laughing. Or we could just admire the silence and how beautiful you and I look under streetlights. This night would have gone down as one of my most memorable nights. If only you were here.
Funny how much I crave you more than I admit. Looking for you in dark corners, knowing fully well you will not be there.  This is ridiculous and the possibility of coming undone again is high but I only hope I don’t. Ridiculous.
I am scared that all we had is all we will ever have. And I want more. I am not sure I will ever get more. But yet here I am.
Tell me you like me. I like myself more when you like me. I know this is ridiculous but what do I do. Tell me. Anything. Everything. Tell me why you look at me with humour in your eyes. Do I make you happy? Are you laughing at me? Tell me.
I am here waiting for you to tell me. Maybe I will wait forever. Maybe I wont. I am not sure anymore. But I am waiting….

A seriously cold night.

I am sitting in my departments computer lab on a freezing June night (this would have flowed better if it was a freezing December night) working on my dissertation and convincing myself that I’ve come this far I can surely do this but goodness I am so scared I might fail.

Failure. The one thing that motivates me. Makes me push myself to the limit and beyond. I am more scared of failing now because last academic year I failed one of my core courses and had to write a supplementary exam. It was such a humbling moment really. That made me wish I could take an IQ test just to know exactly how smart I am. Yes, we all fail and fall short of something once or twice but we hope to never fail or fall short. Cause really that’s one of the most sucky things to happen. Maybe that’s why I am pushing myself a little harder, putting in extra effort I didn’t know I had, surviving on coffee and at most four hours of sleep (college right, sigh). I am redirecting my fear and energy to school. I am determined to have the best academic year of my college stay, after all this is my last.

Anyway, I should decide on what model I want to use for my regression. Anybody care to do a good deed and write this dissertation for me? 🙂 Can I just emphasize how cold tonight is?

Six Months down, Six months to go.

6 months into 2015 hey. I drafted a new years resolution list for the first time in my life. (Before, my resolutions were just spoken). I meant for my resolutions to be guidelines for me this year.
One of my resolutions was/is to not be so hard on myself. For some people their parents are their  worst critics but for me, I was my worst critic. I judged myself too harshly, scrutinized my actions and wished I did everything differently. I was literally a hazard to myself because I could self-destruct with all these criticisms and judgements I passed on myself. Dare I get a bad grade, that would haunt me for the rest of the year. Well this year I made a cautious decision to give myself a little credit. To appreciate myself a little more. To stop hiding behind the fake vanity and think I am a beautiful entity who deserves to be here.
I must say, this is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I don’t carry my mistakes with me anymore. I understand I am bound to make decisions whose consequences I may not like but thats the whole point of being human. I am laughing and crying at my mistakes and learning and moving on. I am letting my emotions bleed and swell because again, I am human. Not a robot.
I am allowing myself to be contradict myself, because maybe life isn’t black and white, maybe life has gray areas.