Today marks 18 yrs since you died.
And I don’t remember the day like it was yesterday.
I don’t know if it was a chilly day or a hot sunny day.
I don’t remember your voice.
I don’t remember anything you said to me.
I only have one memory of you. One.
You were driving Christopher Jnr and I to school and I was in the backseat.
That’s all I have.
But its everything.
I cling on to every word people who knew about you say about you.
Like how you played in your Uni volleyball team
Or how you were the first person to call me Tina and now its caught on like fire.
I miss you.
And I wish I could get a day with you.
or 5 minutes really.
I long for the memories we couldve had.
I am 21 now.
I have a degree now.
I hope these make you proud.
I don’t know how to celebrate your life.
Pretending today is just another day has gotten old.
But letting today be an ugly day isn’t right either.
I will go through the photo albums.
Re read your notes behind the photos
And shed a couple tears, smile and laugh at your 80s outfits.
And hope you never forget
I will love you always,
Okay let me share.
I think I am seriously growing up. I am saying no and actually speaking up for myself. I am asking for more(unashamedly) when I am no longer satisfied (a thing an ex said made him feel inadequate). But I’ve realised self love means being a little selfish. It means saying no to what you want oh so damn badly because its not right for you, not what you need . It means allowing yourself to feel a little lonely for the well being of your emotions. It means protecting yourself.
But if He told me I would call him hater
Now I don’t know what to do.
If you are still reading this after the silence, thank you and I am sorry. I wasn’t busy I just couldn’t put my thoughts down, atleast without sounding like a lunatic. Anyway this post is a documentation of my recent feelings. (because I am such a sharer)
I fell in love with him before he even said hello to me.
Funny aint it, that you can think you are in love with someone
When the only conversation you’ve had is about tequila over tequila.
And I tried to get him to tell me,
tell me what made him do what he does
or atleast why he was here in the first place.
I tried to get him to tell me why I was already in love with him.
I asked him what happens if he leaves,
He kissed me and made me forget what time or day it was.
It was a rollercoaster ride
It was an episode of lost
It was a juicy peach with a worms on the middle
What I am saying is it was a beautiful mess.
it was straight out of Picassos brain
I loved the moments of blankness
I loved the clarity.
But he left
I knew it would happen
I was left yearning, wanting, almost begging
I now know what happens when.he leaves,
Let me discuss with you my one of my favourite song words:
When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive.
Ever been so numb? Ever felt so stuck? Ever been so hurt? In those moments where everything felt too much ever done something, anything to feel whole? To feel okay? To just feel in control?
You bled just to feel alive.
In my dark times, I’ve felt out of touch, hopeless and lacking control. And I’ve done the craziest things just to feel anything.