Dear reader who is very loyal and patient,
I will write more this year. Not only because my job has so much free time or because I have learned that inspiration is all about perspective. No. Not that. I will write more because stories need to be told.
Did they not tell you that your sleeves were made for buttons and cufflinks, not hearts?
Did you tell them you are tired? How you lost yourself only to find yourself weeping softly into your pillow?
Did they not tell you that the light at the end of the tunnel is just a mirror reflecting you?
Today marks 18 yrs since you died.
And I don’t remember the day like it was yesterday.
I don’t know if it was a chilly day or a hot sunny day.
I don’t remember your voice.
I don’t remember anything you said to me.
I only have one memory of you. One.
You were driving Christopher Jnr and I to school and I was in the backseat.
That’s all I have.
But its everything.
I cling on to every word people who knew about you say about you.
Like how you played in your Uni volleyball team
Or how you were the first person to call me Tina and now its caught on like fire.
I miss you.
And I wish I could get a day with you.
or 5 minutes really.
I long for the memories we couldve had.
I am 21 now.
I have a degree now.
I hope these make you proud.
I don’t know how to celebrate your life.
Pretending today is just another day has gotten old.
But letting today be an ugly day isn’t right either.
I will go through the photo albums.
Re read your notes behind the photos
And shed a couple tears, smile and laugh at your 80s outfits.
And hope you never forget
I will love you always,
Okay let me share.
I think I am seriously growing up. I am saying no and actually speaking up for myself. I am asking for more(unashamedly) when I am no longer satisfied (a thing an ex said made him feel inadequate). But I’ve realised self love means being a little selfish. It means saying no to what you want oh so damn badly because its not right for you, not what you need . It means allowing yourself to feel a little lonely for the well being of your emotions. It means protecting yourself.
But if He told me I would call him hater
Now I don’t know what to do.